Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken