Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart