Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!