Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.