Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.