First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.