Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.