The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”