You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.