Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good