I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.