In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated