Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.