“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.