I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”