I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.