Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.