My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.