Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.