Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam