The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.