Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”