American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.