hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one