Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.