Siri: Retweet me.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I just ran a .003048K
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?