I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.