If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭