HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…