*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.