I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!