Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.