Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…