The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”