Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.