Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Siri: Retweet me.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I just ran a .003048K
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.