My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.