Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Siri: Retweet me.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I just ran a .003048K
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.