A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised