Does beer think about me too?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.