Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.