My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Life is a suicide mission.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.