Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.