When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.