Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks