[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.