Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.