I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’