Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Does beer think about me too?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?