I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though